A Girl in the World & the World in a Girl…

If your life was condensed to a small 6 song EP soundtrack, what 6 songs would accurately describe you to the world? Heres my soundtrack:


1. “ALL IN LOVE IS FAIR” by Stevie Wonder.
^my: in life…and after death… swan song and feelings about closeness and love on every level: romantic love, platonic love and friendship love-regardless whether or not amity turned to enmity; all really is or was fair, because the experience is what it is (or was): relative. Relative to your perception or relative to my perception. Relative to your reality or relative to my reality. It’s just how things work out sometimes: we’re both left with or have our perceptions, but then, there is a reality… (This song is to be played at my funeral for everybody whom I’ve shared feelings of closeness with-on any level)

2. “RUN TO YOU” by Whitney Houston.
^ the song that exposes me and my heart; trepidation

3. “WITH YOU” by Jessica Simpson.
^the song that exposes the real me beyond my many layers (when I’ve been in love)

4.”DROPS OF JUPITER” by Train.
^me transcendently, self-efficaciously. I love this song because it’s a perfect metaphor about self-discovery and I (my person) am a soooo all through every lyric of that song. He read my diary and exposed me! Beginninng to end-song.

5. “DRIVE” by Incubus.
^the song that exposes my personal strength and intrepidity. It’s a perfect metaphor all wrapped up into a song-about how I view life-my life: making a conscious decision to live my life (figuratively and literally) sober and sound as possible-rather than inebriated and intoxicated from a glass half empty

6. MEET VIRGINIA by “Train.”
^the song that reminds me of the unconventional and individual me-versus the world and its expectations

“Welcome to my world. If you ever want to know me, or think you already do-listen to those 6 songs…”
With love,


1. I often daydream about elephants and dolphins. I fantasize
about playing in the water and riding the back of a dolphin, feeding it
and having it do tricks for me. I also love elephants.
Elephant’s have a good memory and are extremely extra-ordinarily
intuitive-like me and because of that, I want to know (so bad) what an elephant
would think of me. Would it trust me, would it like me instantly? I fantasize
about feeding an elephant and staring-wondering what it would think of me.
What I could see and read from its eyes. It is my goal to have that experience.

2. I keep promising myself a trip to the Grand Canyon. It’s so beautiful,
mysterious and massive. I often fantasize about touring the Grand Canyon.
I will do it soon for sure.

3. As a kid 5-8 years old, at every get-together, my cousins and me would
play this game w/playing cards called: “knuckle sandwich” where you’d deal the cards
to all players and the object of the game was to play a card game of some sort and
at the end of the game, whomever was left with any red cards, would have to get that
many lashes across their knuckles by the player who had no or less red cards.
In order to do this (the lashing), you’d have to curl as many cards as you could
hold on to, and hit that person as many times as they had red cards left and if
you dropped any-and the cards were red, that person who was just lashed by you,
could lash them-that many times in return. Well my mom would yell for me not to play,
my cousins would push me away from playing but would somehow let me in and every single
time I’d get lashed, my screaming and fighting tantrums would get worse and worse.
The very last game was at my aunt Jean and uncle Joe’s house, where I tore through
that living room like a bull in a china shop from my cousin Derrick tearing into my knuckles.
It was funny how each get-together, each game would turn out the same way-no matter how much
I thought I’d be the one not to get lashed. After that last tantrum, they would never let me
play anymore and for years; they’d never let me live my last tantrum down.
It was the joke of countless get-togethers thereafter.

4. My dad never met his birth mother but has a keepsake box that was given to
him with playbill and recital programs of Tori Spelling’s. All he knows about his mom was
that she worked for the Spellings and was Tori’s nanny for many years when Tori was a little girl.
I’d considered getting in touch with Tori’s agency and sending a letter so that he could close that
chapter and missing link of his life, but sometimes you just never know if it may do more harm than
good, so I just leave well-enough, alone, but it hurts me that he wonders and it is such a missing
link in his life. Just to know that you can turn on the television and see someone who probably has
some or all of the missing link to someone’s life, who you love, is rather unsettling-for me.

5. Speaking of my dad, did you know that he and Matthew Knowles could be pass for twin brothers?

6. I almost died when I was 6 years old. “See what had happened was,” my brother and me were
having a little 6-year old conversation about parachutes and hot air balloons-wondering how they fly
(after both of us had gotten a massive whippin’ for something). My brother thought it best that we’d
fly away in a parachute and decided that we should pack our clothes in our pillow cases and make way
to the 3rd floor window of our bedroom. He suggested I go first. So with my yellow pillow case packed,
I stuck my leg out of the window and picked the stuff pillowcase over my head preparing for take-off
and in comes my mom…and well, let’s just say that our first spanking was nothing compared to this one…

7. I think I’ve watched too many action/suspense movies in my lifetime, because whenever I
drive over bridge (state to state), I haul ass to the middle lanes and take off doing about 85 trying
to get to the end of it. I have this picture in my mind that the bridge is going to separate, so I
speed-therefore, if it does, I will have enough speed and momentum to land on the other side of the
opening should it separate.

8. I cannot sleep without the television on and if you turn the television off while I am sleeping,
I will wake up immediately and bark at you.

9. I feel that the basic necessity in loyalty, as far as I am concerned, is to never do or say
anything that you wouldn’t if I were standing right next to you…

10. I am double-jointed in both my front forearms’ mid-section. I can place my arms on a hard
surface like a table and pop them in and out of socket, roll them like a figure eight. It’s painful
for other people to watch. LoL.

11. I tend to think that a great majority of people take wayyyy too many things at face value
and accept it and believe it. Though obviously, there are some things that are what they are and
require no examination; I feel that most things in life require careful observation and to do this-I
think things in squares/four corners: “if not this, then that, if not that, then this,” or in triangles:
“this is really the answer (the top) however, I will consider this and that (the two corners).”
It may sound a bit much too you but its second nature for me. This way of thinking keeps me from being
surprised, because I’ve already entertained the thought of all possibilities within a situation or conversation.

12. I tend to have a “theme” song in my head at the start of my everyday. It helps me try
and maintain the mood that I started my day with, so that in the event I have a challenge during
the day-I remind myself: “so is this little mishap gonna put a kink in your armor? You didn’t start
out today with one, so why now?”

13. I have 3 nieces that all look like miniature me’s walking around-it’s creepy. I think it’s
because my 1 brother drove me so crazy that he was cursed with mini me’s. We all have the same eyes
and mouths-I laugh when I look at them all.

14. Of all the things I feel should always be a mystery to a man, a woman’s beauty regimen and
the “goings on” during childbirth are my top two. Turning the opposite way and watching the pain on a
woman’s face is about all any man should know about childbirth-in my opinion. I have a gigantic
psychological theory behind why…

15. I LOVEEE Bruce Lee. You oughta see my Bruce imitation after he gets done wailing on that @$$
as he stands on top of his opponents neck and wiggles his face back and forth while screaming with his
eyes stretched big-I love doing that.

16. When I was a kid, I used to put my ear to the speakers of the radio at the end of every song-
listening for the “bands” to pack up and leave…Well, I used to think that radio was set up such that people
would come in and play live for the listeners until one day I asked my mom: “mom, how do they pack up and
leave that quick. The other bands have to unpack their stuff to play too don’t they?” My mom then said:
“Is that why you keep running to the speakers at the end of the song?!”

17. My mom was wondering when I was going to get the chicken pox-I did not get them until I was almost
23 years old! I didn’t even know until once I was at work and a girl I was friends with come up behind me
while I was sitting and said: “Angie have you ever had chicken pox?” I says: “No, I haven’t yet,”-she then
says, “okay, because you have them now-they’re all across your back and down your shoulders and arms.”
“Oh, I thought it was the soap I was using that had broken me out.” She says, “No-that’s clearly chicken pox.”
I went to the doctor, and they indeed, were. My mom was relieved. LoL.

18. At all costs, I make sure that I do not sign or commit to anything between May 21 and June 21-ever.
That is because the sun is in the planet Mercury and the constellation Gemini which both are known for double-talk,
changeability, wordiness, over-intellectuality, fickleness, cunningness, cleverness, two-facedness, inconsistency,
superficiality and communication/miscommunication. May 21-June 21 is a bad time to sign anything that requires a commitment:
i.e marriage, contract etc. I will not do it. I absolutely positively will not. Call it superstition or whatever you want to.
I call it just: my “thing.” You: just do not hand me a pen between May 21-June 21 of any year of my life…

19. Years ago I went to nail school and used to do nails (pedicures, manicures, acrylic nails from natural
nail length and acrylic nail tips) all day 24-7. I’d even travel to my clients and do their nails at their homes.
No-you’re not supposed to do that, it’s against State Board regulation but I did it anyways and made a lot of money.
Well, needless to say, after about a year-I got bored with it and packed up my tackle box. I now just keep my own
feet pretty and nails manicured these days. 🙂

20. I had a great childhood.

21. All of my childhood friends from back then ^ are like-one phone call away.
I mean-each and every one. That is so funny and rare.

22. I can remember being 16 and my friend Ritchie had just gotten a new Nissan Z. I don’t know
how we hooked this up one night, but there was this night-club that would open from 2am-6pm and of
course my mom wouldn’t dare let me go. I’d have to spend the night out with friends to go or pull one of these:
My friend Ritchie and me hooked it up where I just had to get to the club that night and so he pulls up in
his Z on the side of my building. I’m all dressed in a satin Guess blouse and black Guess Jeans and heels
checking the window for Richie. He pulls up and I begin to slide out the window; Ritchie’s below catching me as
I’m slipping through the window backwards. Needless to say, he caught me and we turned me around so that
I could set my bedroom window cracked enough so that I could get back in at 6am. We then ran to the car,
drove up the hill-partied and made it back to my window by 6:20am. Richie had the daunting task of now
picking me back up and putting me back into my window. I rolled in and landed on my bed-thanked Richie,
got undressed and lay there listening to my mom get up and get prepared to go to work. Just thinking about
what would have happened had my mom busted me or the cops busted Ritchie and me at the window makes me now say:
“boy teenagers have like: no sense of discretion or understanding consequences.
What in the hayell were we thinking!?” Funn-ny.

23. I have a great respect for nature, and I feel that the waters, earth, air, sun/heavens and all that
is of it, have their place. Water creatures run the water-it is not for earthly creatures (us) to venture deep
into and disturb. Our air creatures run that-we are merely supposed to pass through-but do not disturb.
The earth and all atop it is ours-we run this, however, earthly animals have their place and we have ours-it
is not our business to disturb theirs-we need to respect one another’s space. Lastly, the heavens and the sun:
the sun is given to us-to provide us with light, life and energy for a moment in time each day and the darkness
is given to provide us a time to fast, wind down and regroup for the next morning-when we next meet the sun.
I firmly believe that is the extent of any dealings we as human beings should be traveling to the heavens.
It is none of our business.

24. My fondest moment is when my son first met gravity. While riding shotgun as a little boy,
he would ask me to roll my window down so that he could stick his hands out of the window. Each drive was such
an experience to him that he’d close his eyes and let the wind hit his face and through his fingers-I’d look over
at him and laugh to myself and hold my heart. After some time, he decided to bring balloons to this shin dig and
hold them out the window while we’d drive on the highway. I’d tell him that if he let them go-they would not return.
So, for days, he’d let the balloons fly and then he’d grip the strings I would have tied to them; really quick so they
would not fly away. Finally, he got caught off guard one day-trying so hard to be defiant and prove me wrong
(that if he let them go-they would never return). He felt like the times that he’d let them go for a little time and
he could grip the strings proved me wrong. So that day that he got caught off guard, he tried the letting go trick and
gravity took his balloons away. It caught him off guard so badly that he tightened up his whole body and his eyes got
big as he blinked really fast-he was too embarrassed to turn his head my way. I then spoke out: “I told you they would
fly away and never come back if the wind got a hold of them.” He giggled and was so happy for the rest of that day that
he made a new friend called gravity.

25. I am a by product of: My mom, my dad. My first grade teacher spelling teacher, my second grade language arts
teacher, my maternal grandma, my childhood experiences, my favorite middle school art teacher, my brothers, my teenage years,
my son, every job I’ve worked, my adulthood years, every relationship I’ve been in and all amenity or enmity that
I’ve ever experienced…

{May 1, 2010}   Is This Thing On?

Since this is Tiger Woods day, I wanted to write a note about humility and being “humble.”

Though I feel that since Tiger Woods is not in any branch of government & control over my life in any way (therefore his “transgressions” are not “press conference essential”-to me); the fact still remains that to discount his humility is irresponsible and not humble in and of the expectation itself.

The act of humility is merely an adjective where to be self-effacing, introspective, wretched & reflective is what it means to be humble-a lot of reveal is intertwined within all those definitions…

Just like that thin line between love & hate, everyone has their very own self-serving definition of the verb for humility’s meaning which is: the degradation, humiliation and lowering of self-respect FOR others approval…

The antonym (opposite) of being humble is: rich, wealthy, famous, high-ranking & aristocratic.
I do not think today he is being any of those things (today).

In today’s world, especially, people are way too quick to label you “not humble,” conceited, cold, pompous, arrogant (etc) if your self & life are not a finger-pointing, humiliating, tragic, knock-down drag out reality show at their judgment & disposal, or if you aren’t constantly quoting and speaking to humanity in ways [that they themselves] may not be consistently and sincerely putting to use…

In a day an age where nothing is sacred anymore and the lives of people are yours just for the flipping of the “on” button of a television or computer; people have this unrealistic and self-serving opinion of what it means to “humble yourself.”

Before reality television and computers, the mere act of publicly or privately being self-effacing, was what it meant to be humble or to humble oneself.

Now, because of reality television and computers (and all things not sacred anymore), the world feels that if you’re not standing in front of it-heart in hands, bleeding, begging for pity, mercy and acceptance and looking and acting pitiful, then you aren’t humble.

On the flip side of humility, if you are happy about something-then you are expected to say: “I am humbled,” after expressing your joy. To merely express joy and accomplishment and to not say: “I am humbled…” is practically an unforgiving act of pompousness, conceit, ungratefulness and arrogance (nowadays) when the truth is: people who really love you and merely share your joy-do not expect anything else outside of your being happy and filled with that joy.
Doesn’t that feel good?
Doesn’t it feel good to give and receive and be in the company of and surrounded by that kind of oscillating love? It’s most humbling…

People who really do not love you, are not happy for you and do not share your joy-unfortunately.
They demand a humble excuse and apology for your having the nerve to express your joy or accomplishment(s) because (in their eyes) you have no right to accomplish or simply be happy about anything-so you had better humblize yourself (apologize in the name of expressing humility: “I am humbled”)-after which, they’ll just deal with your happy-but they are no more happy for you than when you humblized yourself (for them)…
Some will even take it a step further and decide to dislike you and refuse to share your joy by claiming that [they did not hear or see you] give God the glory. That’s not about God-it’s about them-and their aversion to you because of their aversion of themselves. Because if it was merely about God-then he who believes in and has faith in God, trusts that God will handle you if you did not give God the glory.
That is what humble faith is.

People with no love for you (or themselves-I might add), can never be happy for or with you-no matter how you cut yourself open for them. People with no love for you can only be happy that they forced you to react out of your own fear of being labeled: ungodly, pompous, conceited, not humble, unthankful or ungrateful. Their joy and their happiness comes from your fear of isolation, shame and fear itself-never your happiness.

Never give that to them. Never give them that kind of power over you-for they are weak and weak hearted. Always know who you are and what your close personal relationship with your God is. Outside of the kindness that they extend to you for which you reciprocate…you owe them nothing else.

Put it in prospective. See it for what it really is-not from lenses of fear of isolation or shame.

People have a right to be happy without incident, excuse or explanation-without fear of spiritual or religious, social or emotional blackmail contempt and scorn.
And on the flip side of that, contrary to popular belief, people still have a right to want to hang on to a little bit of pride, a little bit of privacy, a little bit of self-respect and a little bit of dignity (regardless their transgressions or indiscretions)…

There is a stark raving difference between your expectation of someone and what that human being feels is safe and healthy for them to live with after the reveal is said and done.

Any act of humility (where to be self-effacing, introspective, wretched & reflective) is humbling in and of itself-because not even that is owed to you-for you are not God…

The fact that someone (who merely swings a stick to hit a ball) feels it necessary to call a press-conference could very well deemed “not humble” arrogant, or lordly; but to call that press conference & be self-effacing, wretched & reflective is humbling enough-for he owes no one outside of his God and his wife & kids.

Stop playing God, Judge & Jury. Stop being self-righteous.
Instead, be empathetic & compassionate where other people are concerned and what they are willing-(but most of all); comfortable revealing to you.
Simply: be human-which is what it means to be humble/to humble oneself.

When all is (literally) said and done, to truly be in receipt of one’s humility, to see, understand and really feel their true humbleness-you have to “experience” it-first hand, as anyone can write, say and speak of humility and being humbled (especially if they have something to gain from you).

Put it in perspective…
Think in four corners-stop poking at the middle.
Be rational and sensible about things where other people’s heart and person are concerned and as well, put what it means to be humble or what an act of humility is-in the proper perspective: selflessly…
Selflessly meaning: allow another person to gift to you what they are comfortably able to or willing to gift to you-without your pressing upon them your judgment of them because you do not feel that they have cut themselves open enough for you. How dare you?

“Acceptance” is the ultimate act of humility-even above and beyond he who has humbled himself or expressed that he is humbled.
Sure, some acts of humility are that which we divulge, but other acts of humility (as well) is the choice to digress, divert or to simply and subtly: ignore…rather than disrupt.
In addition to those choices being humble-they are also graceful. No harm. No foul-humbly accept it as that…

The most humbling and humane thing we can do either way is to: accept.
Accept people for who they are, who and what they are not, what they are, why they are, and whatever it is they are willing to [and not willing to] do, be or say.

Though no man is an island-each man is his own island… Never forget that.
You: be the peninsula. Surround them freely without expectation or judgment to pacify your own hang-ups, inadequacies and insecurities.
Let all that flows from you: your TRUE blessings, your TRUE sincerity and your TRUE love or do not surround them at all…

*in my Michael Jackson voice*
“I mean that with the best of l.o.v.e”
-Angela Sherice.

et cetera
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